Joke for Today!

The Judge admonished the witness, 'Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?'

'I do.'

'Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?'

'Sure,' said the witness. 'My side will win.'

Cute :P

I didn't know we have "Joke for today" in here 'till now. hehe

Hi Sydney,

This thread is actually pretty old (2006)..when Salehoo was still quite new. But there are a handful of similar threads with some pretty hilarious lines =D

Cheers!

The question Richelle, were these threads intended to be humorous?

Hi bucfsan,

Honestly, I don't know. I wasn't around when they were started.

Cheers :)

well guess might as well try to get it started again.

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothing,'" the beachcomber said.
"Wow," said the tourist.
The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

Saturday Morning, 2:00 am

Early Saturday morning a policeman waited across the street from a popular bar, hoping for a nail a drunken driver, possibly preventing a tragic accident.

At closing time the patrons came out and the officer spotted his potential quarry. One man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...............

'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.'

A Polish immigrant goes to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test.

The examiner shows him a card with the letters:

C Z J W I X N O T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.

"Read it?" he replies, "I know the guy!"

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.

One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night,
she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in
next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firs
time and you flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do
anyting you want. What you want?".
"I wanna numma 69", she replies.
He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You wanna beef wit broccorri?"

gourmet coffee snob
always drink better coffee
spotajava coffee

my attempt at humour

I used to have this problem.
Everytime I seen a good looking sheila, something would pop up.
they always knew what I wanted.
then after some long thought I decided to strap it to my leg.

walking along, seen a gorgeous woman.
kicked her in the teeth and shot her in the eye.

Ok, time I got in on the action I guess : )

Three ducks, Mother, father and baby duck.

Mother duck says, my instincts tells me we should fly south.

Father duck, my instincts tells me we should fly north.

Baby duck, my end stinks as well, but it doesn't give me any direction at all :(

Whats the deffinition of a speed hump..












Quickie

OK, I hate to play the role of the joke police, but to save us having to remove the thread altogether, please just try and think about what you are writing before you post a joke.

Of course everyone's idea of what is funny is different, but try to remain sensitive to others who may well take offense by a poorly misjudged attempt at humor, end up complaining to admin, and then forcing the closure of the thread altogether.

Just keep it on the lite side guys, and then we can all enjoy it : )

Sorry Marc. Didn't think it worse than the sex jokes.

No probs DM, but that's the drama we have, trying to draw the line somewhere lol. As they say, one persons joke is another's law suit lol!

i am truly sorry and will not do it again..

Understand completely Marc the last comment was me just being a smart ass. How do you feel about Helen Keller jokes?

A new business was opening, and one of the owner’s friends sent flowers for the occasion. But when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said. “Rest in Peace”
The owner was little upset and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rater than getting angry, you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on you new location.”

That has tones of a real estate joke lol, location, location, location : )

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."